FUCK PUTTING A TEALIGHT IN A PUMPKIN. I’M BATMAN, BITCH. Want a bomb ass jack-o-lantern like this shit?
- Get yourself a fucking pumpkin. The bigger, the better.
- Carve it up any way you goddamn well please. If you want, set aside the pumpkin seeds to roast them later. They’re tasty as hell and makes your house smell like a fucking Yankee Candle. Just make sure when you carve the lid that the opening is large enough to fit a roll of toilet paper.
When you’re done carving your shit, soak an entire roll of toilet paper in kerosene (or lighter fluid). I recommend placing the roll of TP in a bucket outside in the shade with plenty of ventilation (remember, this shit is combustible). Pour about 1½ - 2 cups of kerosene over the TP. Any excess fluid that pools at the bottom will absorb within ten minutes or so.
When the sun goes down, place the soaked TP roll inside the pumpkin and torch that fucker. The TP will burn slow and flames can get up to 4 feet high. Leave the lid off the pumpkin for fuck’s sake.
DON’T BE A FUCKING DUMBASS. If you’re stupid enough to try this shit without taking proper safety precautions, then I hope you catch fire too. Some safety tips:
- Before you light the pumpkin, hose the surrounding area with water.
- Once lit, keep a safe distance of 10 feet or so. BACK THE FUCK UP, it’s not a campfire.
- When everyone is done instagramming this shit and you’re ready to extinguish the fire, use sand or dirt. You can keep a hose or bucket of water nearby but spraying a flaming pumpkin with water could splash kerosene out of the pumpkin and then you got some serious fucking problems that involve your local fire department.
- Remember, a safe thug is a happy thug.
Bad Lip Reading, Game of thrones style!
Good Morning, Julie here, wanting to talk to you about boobs. I just recently got a dog, to compliment my plethora of cats and gender confused guinea pig. (It’s supposed to be a girl but it humps my cats, which makes it mighty,mighty brave) It may or may not also be dragging around something that resembles a pair of tiny, tiny furry balls behind it. Anyways, why didn’t anyone hip me to the fact that DOGS are the magical boob cleaner? I mean, they get ANYTHING that might tumble down in there. I think I’m coming in for a dog hug, this dog is like ‘let me get some of them crumbs, girl!’ At first I was appalled, how dare you stick your wet nose in there! Whoa, what the fuck? Was that a tongue? Then I was like wow, check out them shiny booboos. Nice. Anyways, this is Julie, with a spotless Colombian purse advising you to get a dog-for your boobs!